So you're telling me there's a chance?

i know, i know it has been a really long time. God has placed a burden on my heart and my best thoughts come when im blogging and God reveals things to me through it so although i know there are a handful of people who read my blog i have a lot of thoughts i need to process, so here goes. 

My number one question is

 

1.God, where is my husband?  

No this isnt going to be that kind of post because the Lord has already revealed things to me and i just want to document them so that i have them. 

I have spent the last 3 years single. Obviously for a reason. I have issues focusing on the Father when i am in a relationship. Until the Lord places someone in my life that can continually push me toward God, i dont think i will get married. But once God places a man in my life who LEADS. Not passively but actively leads. I believe that my mind will be blown by the amount of love i will be shown by Him. and i hate that i need that so badly, i wish that i was one of those girls who was super strong and didnt need a man who would lead because she is strong enough on her own. However, i am also learning from a friend of mine what it means to submit, and how to not be in control. Which will help me in my relationship with Jesus and with my relationship with my husband (if that day ever happens.) I know that God has a man for me who will long for a wife who submits. who wants to lead. I want that too! But in every relationship i have been in i have had to lead. I have had to be in control of every aspect of the relationship, both in making sure things didnt go too far physically and making sure the Lord was the center of our relationship. And you know what? I wasnt very good at it because it isnt my job! the woman isnt meant to lead the relationship. God calls the man to be the head of the house and for the woman to submit to her husband as to the Lord! I was not submitting anywhere because the "men" I dated were not men of God. They werent focused on treating my heart as a treasure, they were focused on getting me, and not my heart. Looking back on it none of them romanced my heart the way i deserved, none of them respected me the way they should have. I was attempting to lead so i became "one of the guys" 

I always had a bunch of guy friends and fewer but closer girl friends. I would always hang out with the guys, watch football, play sports, eat pizza. Thats what we did, and it is great to have good guy friends that are like brothers but relationships with other women are so important. I think that is what made me feel a need for control. My mentality was that of a man because that was who i always hung out with. Even now if i were to be really stereotypical girly and plan my wedding. I can probably think of more guys that i would want in my wedding than girls who are not family. That isnt right! I should have so many girl friends that i cant pick just a few! I am beginning to find more women to confide in but it has been a long road. 

Now, that isnt to say you cant have good best guy friends. But your relationship with them will have to change when you get married! Duh Lindsey! I wont be able to tell my husband, "see you later babe im going to hang out with the guys!" that will result in some sketchy situations and my husband feeling hurt. I can go hang out with their wives and say " bye babe im going to hang out with the girls, have fun at guys night" now doesnt that sound so much more appropriate! 

I need to learn more. I dont think i am married yet because of the simple fact that im not ready for my husband. His heart may be ready for me but mine may not be ready for him. or he may not be ready either! and who wants to move their stuff into a house with no roof? However, at this point im thinking i have no roof no walls and no floor. and im probably 3 stories tall...i dont want to ruin his things (Heart, soul, mind, couch) by not being properly prepared for him. He may not be ready either. Theres a chance that the architect hasnt even been called yet to let them know a building is going up. Which could mean 3 more years of being single. and i think until i am okay with that God will not allow anything to happen. 

Until i become a Proverbs 31 woman i dont think any man who will be a good Christian LEADER will even be remotely interested in me. Which is fine. I need to change so i dont want to show him my worst. 

But i am trusting in my Savior to move in me and change my heart in a way that will make me ready to serve my Lord in a way that is unsurpassed by any other. When i am chasing God, my heart will become softened and ready for my sweet husband. 

SO, Youre telling me theres a chance?! 

Yes, God is preparing me. theres still a chance ill get married some day id like for it to be sooner rather than later. But if God wants to wait there is obviously a plan and purpose in it that will be for the better. :)