Sunsets, Running, and Rap Music

I honestly have so many thoughts rushing through my mind like the winds in a tropical storm that at this point that i have no idea how to begin this blog..no catchy hook to make you want to read more. Nothing that i learned about writing in high school journalism fits how I want to convey my heart right now. But in all honestly this blog isn't for the readers...and it isn't even for me anymore at this point....at least i don't want it to be for me. and I have realized quite abruptly, that no matter how hard i have "tried" to not let things or careers become an idol for me and how hard i have tried to remind myself that "maybe God has not yet given me a Job that i love because at this point i would create an idol (and that may be true) however, i missed the bigger part...the biggest Idol that i have created and i can't just run away from it. My biggest idol is me. I have created in myself an idol. I have put the most importance in what I want. and i ...

Well, it is gone. The last job that i applied for in pensacola a week ago today has been removed from indeed. I can't look at it or see it anymore, last night the website where all of my info is started glitching and now i can't even look to see if they have "candidate not selected" by my name. I may never know when that Job was filled or if they actually were anywhere close to calling me but i just want to continue to trust God with this Job....yeah the one that may already be filled. God has asked that i trust him by not trying to look at the Job posting, and I'm completely fine with that....because once i see that they did actually pick someone else my hope will be completely gone. I want to do this the right way, i don't want this career to become an idol, or something i can't stop thinking about moment by moment. being sick the last few days really was a good thing, as i spent a lot less time worrying and a lot more time resting and reading. God may...

It may happen, the way that God can bring glory to his name by giving me a job I'm always scared of jumping the gun and looking like an idiot but at this point i don't care. I want to learn and do whatever he wants me to do. I applied for 3 jobs with sacred heart, the hospital where i completed my internship. None of my applications went through and before i knew it all three jobs were filled. I was broken, completely confused, scared and angry. God had given me such a strong desire to be there. Why wouldn't he allow me to pursue this incredibly seemingly perfect opportunity? That led me to question a lot. for instance, Do i really trust God with everything? including my career? And as much as i want to say yes, of course...i kind of think i wasn't trusting. So, I talked to my friends, anyone who would listen, including my friend who i like to call my "stranger friend" we were friends for almost a year before we ever met face to face. anyway, He told me ab...

Will I EVER get to work? That is what i am asking myself today, with eyes burning from tears and ears burning from a combination of stress/anxiety/anger/ and fear. I want to work, more than anything else and there is nothing standing in my way anymore other than a contract marrying me to a company who will allow me to do the only thing i have wanted to do for the last 6 years. be a Child life specialist. I have applied for probably hundreds of jobs by now and have gotten several interviews but no offers. I hate unemployment. I have no desire to ever do this again. All i want to do is be in the hospital and work with kids and help them to be less afraid of healing. But i can't. I can't because every time i apply i get shut down, I halfway think the enemy is railroading me because i was told that one of my applications was never even seen and now the position has been filled. Filled. By someone else at the hospital where i feel at home. The hospital that feels like the perf...

Gods timing always trumps our timing. I was just on indeed sad about the fact that there are no jobs at all, ever. when i saw a Job opening in houston...thinking it was a mistake i clicked on it to ease my thoughts that it was just an extended payment on the original Job that i was declined for. It is a new Job. In Houston. At Texas Childrens. So..I applied for it. My thought is maybe it WAS the right Job, but maybe it was the wrong time. Maybe God was using that Job to teach me patience. Maybe He just wanted me to trust him. Maybe he wants to stretch me past my comfort zone. The hospital is huge. Which scared me. and houston is big. But maybe this is what i need. I applied for so many jobs in the past few weeks. Maybe this isn't it, maybe ill get a different one. Only He knows, I just want to pursue every opportunity that He provides. So, yes this is a short post but I'm excited to see what he will do! :)

I've been in a funk lately. All i do anymore is study, however, I'm done with my test. Took it monday and i wish i could add somewhere in this blog that i passed...but i won't know whether or not i passed until the end of may. WHAT? yeah the end of may. They want to figure out the "minimally competent passing score" or something. Anyway, So now i am applying for all kinds of odd jobs to try to take up the next ten weeks. I was driving back and forth from conway ar the past few days and i started thinking. I think i am in a weird place where i legitimately feel stuck. I took my test but even though i am moving forward in my journey to my dream career, i feel like a marathoner who keeps passing mile markers but no matter how many i pass i still have 6 more miles. I can see that I'm making "progress" but I'm not getting any closer to my goal. Im running as hard and as fast as i can but i can't seem to get to a place where i have less than 6 mi...

    Losing Could be #Winning        "Let it Go"     Well, I feel lame. I think i killed my chances at Texas Children's, Honestly the hospital was so big that i was kind of intimidated. maybe i let my fear show, maybe i don't get the Job because i was too nervous, or because i talked too much, or maybe God surprises me and i get it regardless of how nervous i was, because HE is strong enough to do that. if i don't get it honestly I'm okay with it. I just want something. at this point I'm applying for jobs in New York. Places i have never even been on vacation i am trying to work at and live for who knows how long. It is scary but also really exciting.       I am excited to see what God does with all of this... I am depending on Him alone for a Job because i know that no one is going to look at me, just barely out of internship, and say "yep she is the most qualified her for sure." no ha it will be more like, "uh..she has no expe...